The human brain is wired up in such a way that whenever you ask yourself a question you have to give yourself an answer.  The very act of asking a question sets up a tension within the mind that must be resolved.

It is arguable that the majority of human thinking, of itself, is nothing but the process of asking and answering questions.  Most of what you do day in day out is ask yourself questions.

This is how it works – your subconscious mind does everything you ask it to, I like to think of it as my faithful servant and like all faithful servants if you ask for something they bring it to you.  When you ask yourself a question your faithful servant has to give you an answer, so let’s say you ask the question, “Why am I always feeling down?” Your deeper mind has to find the answer for you – it will do this by attracting to itself the reasons why?

It is doing what you asked it to.  However if you ask the question, “How can I feel better and brighter today?” it will attract the right kinds of circumstances and events to help you to lift your spirits.

Because your brain is so sophisticated and complex whenever you ask a question your subconscious mind always has to give you an answer.  For the purpose of this exercise just imagine that you have this fantastic computer within and you want to know something so you ask a question.  Your internal computer has a search engine just like ‘Google’ and so it goes on the search.

OK, let’s just think of some of the questions we may be asking ourselves that may be unhelpful for us.  Let’s just start with a simple one that is common to lots of people at some time in their lives.  “Why do I always feel so tired on a morning?”

Your computer’s search engine gets onto that straight away and gives you all the answers it can find from your subconscious filing system and these will include things like, “I’m not sleeping very well,” or “There must be something wrong with me,” at this point you may recall a television program you watched or an article you read about someone who was always tired then found out he had some terminal disease.

You’ve got the picture now haven’t you?  These thoughts will all be accompanied by the relevant feelings which will push you into a circle of more negative thoughts followed by more negative feelings which will often result in negative actions throwing you into a circle of self-destruction.  Oh dear, your poor computer was only doing what you asked it to.

Let’s try a different question though, one that is guaranteed to get better results.  “How can I feel more alive and ready for the day in a morning,” again the search engine gets on with its search and gives you whatever it is you’ve asked for.  You will recall times past when you have felt alive in a morning; you may decide that you could go to bed earlier so that you get more sleep.

You may remember that someone told you about a remedy for soothing sleep.  Whatever it is the energy is now better and you are getting something positive instead of negative.

As an exercise I would like you to say the first phrase, “Why do I always feel so tired on a morning,” followed by the second one, “How can I feel more alive and ready for the day in a morning,!” and feel the different energy in them. Think of some questions you have been asking and change them around.

Often the answer doesn’t come from our own minds but instead it comes from a book, a paper, a television program or someone we meet.

Here is a story I tell my clients to illustrate how this works:

Imagine that you are walking down the street today and you see that workmen have dug a large hole in the road.  They have surrounded the hole with safety barriers to keep people out but somehow you fall down the hole anyway.

You are sitting at the bottom of the hole and you ask, “Why did I fall down this hole?”   The answers you may get from your subconscious mind, your memory store, would go something like this, “Because everything is going wrong in my life, because I’m stupid, because I’m unlucky, because if anything bad is going to happen to anyone it’ll happen to me.”

The question is not designed to get you out of the hole in fact it will definitely keep you in there feeling sorry for yourself.  You won’t start to get out of the hole until you start to ask different questions, such as, “How can I get out of this hole,” or “What can I do to get out of this hole.”   Your mind will then start looking for ways to get you out of the hole.

As soon as you start to ask questions designed to look for the solution to your problem your deeper mind will then start looking for the solution.   “Why have I fallen down this hole,” sends you into your emotions and, “How can I get out of this hole,” leads you into inspiration.

You have within your mind a small marble sized piece of grey matter called the Reticular Activating System, RAS for short and its job is to filter through all the information you are surrounded by and bring to your notice those things that are meaningful to you.

The answer to any problem, it is believed, is already there around you but all the while you are looking at the problem and asking questions which only make the problem worse you are oblivious to the answer.  Start to ask the questions designed to find the answer and your deeper mind will find the answer for you.

Whenever you have a problem have a look at what sort of questions you have been asking about the situation and then change the questions so that the answer appears to you.  If for instance you have been saying, “I don’t know what to do about………..,” or “There’s nothing I can do about ………,” or “Why is this happening to me,”  your deeper mind will make that be your reality.

If instead you started to say, “What would be the best thing to do about …………….,” or, “There is a solution to this problem and even though I can’t see it now I’m willing to have it present itself to me,” or “How can I ……….?”

Have a look at each problem area in your life and make up some questions you can start to ask yourself on a daily basis so that you can the best out of your internal computer.

You can get on with anyone, even mass murderers like Hitler had a nice side to them and with a little practice we can always bring out the nice side to anyone. Whether you would want to get on with a mass murderer is another story, but in most social, workplace and family situations it would certainly benefit us to enjoy good relations with others.

A good salesman not only loves his product, try selling something you don’t believe in, he loves his customers too.  The hardest job in the world would be to try to sell something you didn’t believe in to someone you disliked.

You would soon be shown the door, and rightly too.  The reason you would be shown the door is because your body language would be incongruent with your words and it would show.

I worked with a client who was selling a product he truly believed in but he was finding it difficult to make sales.  After discussing the situation I found that even though he truly believed in his product he also believed that it was pricey and that people would think it cost too much.

I explained to him that with this thought in mind he was only able to attract people who would think it pricey and he was also conveying this message to the people he talked to.  I advised him to revise his thinking and to concentrate on those people who were already his using his product and were happy with the price.

He started to focus on certain clients and to affirm that there were others out there just like them who would love his product and be very pleased with the price. When he started to approach sales in this way he started to find more customers and his sales increased.

How we influence others, for good or for bad

Others behave with us in exactly the way we expect them to.  Whatever we say about others becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  If there is someone at work who you habitually call lazy or incompetent, either to others or within your own mind, then that person will only be able to display that behaviour in your presence.

Outside of your sphere of influence they may be completely different according to the beliefs of whomever they are with.  If you want to get the best out of people you must think the best of them.

I know a man who believes that everyone who has every worked for him is incompetent.  He looks down on the people who work for him.  He calls them stupid and useless and he has names for them I won’t repeat here.  His staff habitually walks out on him and he struggles to retain employees.  Of course every time it happens he proves himself right.

A good boss not only speaks well about his employees to their faces, he does it behind their backs.  Expect the best and you will get the best, expect the worst and you will get that too.

Remember, if you have been guilty of any of the above it’s not too late to change.  Simply change the way you speak about someone and keep it changed and then watch as they blossom into that person.  Some of the most important people we can use this on are our nearest and dearest, and especially our children.

Why we often take an instant dislike to others

The reason we often dislike someone on sight is because we stereotype them.  We are constantly making judgments about others but don’t worry, this doesn’t make you a bad person.

This facility was built into all living creatures as a way to save us from danger.  You might have decided that people who are drunk should be avoided, or people with tattoos and shaven heads.

For some people it may be homeless, scruffy looking people who turn them off.  For some it could be business men or women.  Everyone will have preferences and dislikes.

These likes and dislikes could be the result of childhood conditioning or they may be as a result of conditioning we have received from reading newspapers or watching the news.  Alternatively we may have had a problem with someone who looked very like the person we are judging.

The thing to remember is that we are making assumptions.  Not everyone who is drunk is belligerent and looking for a fight.  Not everyone with a shaved head and tattoos is a thug.  Not all little old ladies are sweet.

On a lovely summer afternoon last year I was sitting outside a local pub with my sister.  At  the next table were a crowd of rather drunken lads.  They were loud and swearing a lot and were acting in an aggressive way with each other.

Suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and ran across the road.  Everyone looked to see what was happening.  I for one imagined a fight had started.  But no, the young lad had seen a man in a wheelchair struggling to get up the kerb and he ran across to help him.

As he came back across the road everyone started to spontaneously clap.  It was a wonderful moment that left everyone uplifted.

Before we condemn others we could perhaps ponder on the following:

To understand all would be to forgive all.  If we could know all the influences that have played upon the person who has wronged us or annoyed us, or the person who we judge to be unworthy, we might understand why he has acted as he has.

If those same influences had assailed us with equal force, we might have done just as he did.  At any rate, harbouring a grudge or resentment will block our achievement of good.  It is too high a price to pay.

The person against whom hostility is held is not hurt by it; it is the person who harbours it who is the loser.  The practice of the spirit of understanding will, make us gentle.  It is one of the most enriching attitudes we can cultivate.

How to make anyone respond warmly to you

The Law of Karma, which is operating constantly, means that what we give out we get back.  If we want others to respond kindly to us we must send kind thoughts to them.

How many times have you had a conversation with someone and thought to yourself, “Oh she/he’s nice.”  Once you have that thought you can bet you will be friends with that person because they picked up your thought and they subliminally read your body language.

Funnily enough they were thinking the same thing about you too.  I call this the chicken and the egg situation.  No-one knows which came first and my belief is that the thoughts are simultaneous.

This however gives us a clue how we can get on with anyone.  Yes, you’ve got it, you can simply think good thoughts about them.  There is always more good than bad in people and seeing the good tends to bring it to the fore.

When we point a finger at someone we mustn’t forget that we have three fingers pointing back at ourselves.  When we judge others we are making ourselves feel bad too.  Is it worth it?

Sending loving thoughts to someone means that we are also receiving those loving thoughts.  When we stop judging others we cease judging ourselves and others respond in kind.

If you are planning on meeting someone new, a new employee, your daughters new boyfriend, a prospective client or a friend of a friend tell yourself that you will like them prior to meeting them.

Say something like this, “I’m going to really like you and get on really well with you.”  Or “We are going to find lot’s in common and get on really well,” or “He’s going to like me and I’m going to like him too.”

Any of the above statements will work to create a mutual liking and respect or whatever you want tot create.  And if you hear yourself saying, “But what if I say I’m going to like him and he’s a horrible person.”  Believe me that won’t happen.  Even if others believe this person to be bad, he or she will act differently with you because you will have taken the time and effort to bring out the best in that person.

Listed below are some phrases to get you started:

• Bless you
• I like you
• He/she likes me
• He/she seems nice
• I love you
• She/he loves me
• You’re lovely
• You seem friendly

The very best phrases are, God bless you and I love you.  Give it a try and see how it works!  I promise you that you will be delighted by the response you get.

People pick up on what we really think whether we know it or not.  One way we convey our thoughts is in our body language.  The body cannot lie.  Lie detector tests are based on this fact.  Even though we (our conscious mind) can lie, and we often do, our body always registers the fact that we are lying.

We may try to put on a false front to cover up our real feelings but our body is incapable of lying.    Behaviourists suggest that only 7% of communication is the words we speak.  The rest is made up of 38% tonality and 55% body language.  When our words aren’t congruent with our thoughts it comes across in our tonality and our body language.

Sometimes people who are lying will not meet our gaze, children do this a lot, but sometimes good liars deliberately hold the gaze of the person they are talking to as a way of covering up the fact they are being less than truthful.

An expert in body language will notice other things, such as blink rate going up or nervous mannerisms.  I just simply get the feeling that the person isn’t congruent, there’s something amiss.  It’s just a general feeling but it’s one I trust.

It is a scientific fact that people’s gestures give away their true intentions. Yet most of us don’t know how to read body language and don’t realize how our own physical movements speak to others.

However, while we may not be able to interpret the intentions of others consciously, unconsciously we pick up everything.  This often leads us to feel uneasy with certain people.

Thoughts even convey themselves into letters, e-mails and texts.  Whatever your intention when you write any of the above it comes across to the person who receives the message.

Thoughts are conveyed in any medium and a good way of getting your message across is to first think what result you would like from the letter, text or e-mail.  Whatever you are feeling will come across no matter what.  Think about it first then the right words will come to you.

One day I was talking to a fellow therapist and she told me that she had sent an email to a collegue whom she was less than happy with.  Her predominant thought as she wrote the email was, “I don’t want to offend her.”

Guess what?  The person who received the email was offended and she said so in her reply.  My friend couldn’t understand why this had happened but when I told her how her mind works and pointed out her predominant thoughts as she wrote it she realised what she’d done.

I suggested that next time she had to write an email of that kind, or any kind for that matter, she first write down what she wanted to achieve as a result of the email.  I asked her what she would have preferred to happen.

She told me that she wanted to let the other person know that she wasn’t happy with what had happened but she also wanted to do it in a way that smoothed over the troubled waters.

What I suggested was that she would write down, “I want to build up a rapport with this person and to convey my respect for their point of view.  I want to be heard, and to get my message across in a way that creates a win, win situation.  As a result of this email I want to remain firm friends and obtain a greater understanding.”  She now uses this method with great success.

It has long been a Metaphysical and Spiritual belief that all minds are joined, or to put it another way, we are all one.  Recently science has proved that the mind does not reside within us, it is outside of the physical body.

As your mind resides outside of your body along with everyone else’s mind it seems the Spiritual belief is true.  As all minds are joined your thoughts are not contained within your body they are out there in the Universal mind.

What this means in practice is that whenever you are thinking about someone, the person you are thinking about picks up your thoughts subliminally (at a level below consciousness).  Obviously the person you are thinking about does not pick up your words consciously; they do however pick up your thoughts at a level below consciousness.

When the thoughts are picked up by the other person, they then start to think about you.  Have you ever had the experience of thinking about someone you haven’t heard from in ages and suddenly the phone rings and it’s them!  Or you have started to think about someone and when you ring them they say, “I was just thinking about you.”

This transfer of thoughts happens all the time whether you know it or not.  When you are in the company of someone you like or love, they pick up your thoughts about them and they act in accordance with those thoughts.  When you are in the company of someone we dislike and we think unkind thoughts about them they also respond in kind.

Close your eyes for a moment and imagine meeting with someone you are angry with, someone at work perhaps whom you either dislike or you believe dislikes you.  Can you feel the barrier between you?  That barrier prevents any real connection and the person with whom you are communicating, even if this communication is entirely within the mind, picks up your thoughts about them and they cannot help but act toward you however you imagine them to be.

Even though you weren’t aware of it, everyone you come into contact with hears exactly what you think about them.  When I was a child my Mother told me that I could think anything I liked about people as long as I was very careful about what I said.  My Mother was wrong.

Whether we are face to face with people or at a distance they pick up our thoughts.  Whatever you are thinking about the other person isn’t private at all.  In fact you might as well say it out loud to their face.

If you are thinking negative thoughts about someone they know it.  Let’s face it you know exactly who does and doesn’t like you don’t you?  Have you ever had the experience of looking across the street at someone and thinking bad thoughts about them, and when they’ve caught your eye you get the feeling they are reading your mind.  I know I have.

To further illustrate how this works I’d like to tell you a story about someone who came to see me with a problem.  The gentleman in question told me he was finding it impossible to get a job.  Despite being highly qualified he had applied for over 20 jobs over a six month period without success and he was desperate.

He had recently been divorced and on reviewing his life had decided that he hated his job in forensic criminology.  He moved to a different part of the country to be near his daughter and decided to retrain as a therapist.

He decided that although he really didn’t want to do the kind of work he’d always done he would apply for a job within that field to pay his bills until he qualified in his newly chosen career.  He had been spectacularly unsuccessful.

On questioning him I found that he had been employed successfully for many years and had never experienced a problem with getting employment in the past so he was perplexed at his failure to achieve what he wanted.

I questioned him about the jobs he’d failed to get and he told me that he had been told once that he was too old for the job and two prospective employers had told him he was over qualified.  The rest of the time he had simply been rejected.

I asked him why he thought he was over qualified for the two jobs in question and his reply was, “I didn’t think it, they told me I was over qualified.”  I repeated the same question back to him and again he gave me the same reply.  I insisted that the thought of over qualification came from him.

On reflection he admitted that he had thought he was over qualified for the two jobs in question, but he insisted he hadn’t mentioned that in the interview.  I told him he didn’t have to because the interviewer had picked up his thoughts subliminally.

He still wasn’t convinced so we moved on to the job he was turned down for on the grounds he was too old.  We went through the same process until he remembered that he had entertained thoughts that the job he was applying for was more suited to a younger person.  He was starting to get the message, but still not convinced.

We then moved on to all of his other job interviews.  He admitted that he didn’t actually want any of the jobs as he hated the type of work he was applying for, but he needed the money.

I asked him, “So would you give a job to some one who came along for the interview and insisted that he didn’t really want to do this work because he hated it but he just wanted the money,”  Again he replied that he hadn’t said that to the interviewer.  “No,” I replied, “but that’s what you were thinking and therefore the interviewer picked that up subliminally.”

He pondered on that for some time before asking, “so what can I do about it.” My advice to him was to go look for a job that he could enjoy, where he could make a positive impact and with the perfect hours to suit.

He took my advice and soon landed a half time post as a college lecturer with excellent pay.  When he applied for the job and at the interview he was thinking, “Yes this is a job I could enjoy, I’ll be good at this.”  This left him plenty of time to carry on his studies for his new career.

For more information on this subject read, “It’s all in the body language.”